Opportunity Abounds, Become a Poo Guard

Longhair and I took a stroll along the beach yesterday from Bird Rock
to Shark Rock Pier and back. In tow were Sister in Law’s two girls of
four and two years of age.

Of course the first thought that popped (pooped?) into my mind was that
our city fathers ban dogs from the beaches what they should do is ban
dogs from drinking out of glass containers on the beaches.

There is nothing to beat a fine crisp and sunny Sunday beach walk in
middle of winter and many people were taking advantage
of this. Quite a few yachts were bowling along with spinnakers up in
Southern wind, the NSRI were practising, divers and recreational
fishermen coming
and going and I even saw one of those horrible little vessels that I
refer to as ‘Dolphin Killers’ (a jetski) and the anti poaching vessel
Lillian Ngoyi was patrolling close inshore. Stalking an unsuspecting
jetski I think.

The Lilian Ngoyi is an inshore environmental protection vessel carrying
13 crew and two fishery inspectors. She is 47 metres in length, with a
beam of 8 metres and a range of 3 500 nautical miles at a speed of 15
knots. In addition to the fishery protection duties, the vessels are
also equipped to conduct oil spill countermeasure operations – very
important duty that, in light of the present oil spill threat from the
tank farm in the Port Elizabeth Harbour!

Along the doggie section of the beach the two girls had great fun
stopping and engaging in meaningful conversation with assorted furry
creatures and their dogs.

Dog owners can also be a little eccentric in their behaviour, as we
observed one aged owner of the female persuasion lifting up a rat on
the end of a lead and dumping it into the waves a number of times. We
presumed that this was to slow the rat down for the greyhound racing
later. As we drew closer we observed that said rat was actually an
undercover dog, first name, Chihuahua. At least it wasn’t pooing on the
beach so we left the owner in peace. God help her if she had let the
little rat crap on the beach, though – cruelty to animals is one thing,
ratty dried out dog droppings between the toes is just not acceptable!

Our two young nieces did consider using ratty dried out dog poo to
create magnificent semi environmentally sound turret crenalations for
their magnificent sand castles but were gently persuaded to cease and

Incidentally – I checked the correct spelling for pooing and found a
Facebook Group dedicated to “Using my laptop in the toilet for talking
to people on facebook/watching tv shows while I poo.” NOW, do you
understand WHY I try stay away from ‘Group Sex with Amoebas’? To think
that people have actually broken through incredible intellectual
barriers just to share thoughts whilst they POO!

Although a Dogbook Group dedicated to “Pooing on the beach whilst
watching my owner pretend he cannot see or smell my creation” would
probably be a major hit.

Their are a couple of things that our City Fathers don’t get; People
are lazy, people only act responsibly when other people are watching
them, the damn plastic dog poo bags are far away from the action and
the dog owners on the beach are not the type of people who pick up dog
poo in their own homes. That is what the government invented BBBEE for
– so that the masses can find gainful employment doing the things that
spoiled pampered men and women with rats on a lead feel are too
demeaning to
do. Swinging a rat on the end of a lead by it’s neck seems to have
gained popularity amongst this sub section of our rainbow
nation, though!

I am not advocating that dogs should be banned from beaches. Before you
know it they will then be banned from all public spaces, banned from
verges and sidewalks, separated into specific areas, have their own
separate ablutions and entertainment areas and be encouraged to follow
a path of separate development for the good of their culture. If we do
this I propose that we call it ApartHate – it has a nice catchy ring to

After overpriced ice creams and a long stroll back to a clearly
intoxicated car guard that people entrust millions of rands of vehicles
to, in the name of entrepreneurship, I was struck with a solution. How
about a Poo Guard? I am sure that some enterprising sub section of the
car guard fraternity would take great delight in following assorted dog
owners all over the beach, plastic bag in hand grateful to clean up a
little big of dog poo in exchange for a couple of grubby pieces of

Try and stop dogs on the beaches, then. The disenfranchised Poo Guard
Union will
organise poo ins, group howling sessions and mass demonstrations
against government taking away
their liveliehoods. Quite a brilliant and dastardly plan methinks.

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